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On a BAD day

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez
oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of
the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild
amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they
were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to
a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with
an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the
world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone
bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had
been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from
the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by
the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment
he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of
sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two
thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling
the two hapless protesters to death.

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a
letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

INSURANCE Statements:

The following was given to me by a friend, I found it so hilarious that I had to share it on-line ... What follows are actual statements found in insurance forms where auto drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even the most incompetent writing may be mighty entertaining:

- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The other car collided with mine without giving any warnings of it's intentions.

- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head thru it.

- A truck backed thru my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into the telephone pole.

- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

-An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to turn, so I ran over him.

- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of it's way when it struck my front end.

Amazing facts: 

 If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

If you fart constantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

Polar bears are left handed.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank # for animal having the most taste buds.

The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

Some lions have sex over 50 times a day

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

Starfishes haven't got brains.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime-time television were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

Smartest dogs 1) Scottish border collie 2) Poodle 3) Golden retriever.

Dumbest: Afghan hound.

City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong

State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%

Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7

Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland/Disney World: 70%

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches

Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for Profiles in Courage

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. Oh nooooo... Does this mean Redheads???

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, "G.P."

The Pentagon has twice as many bathrooms as When it was built in the 1940s,

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.

The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl

The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."

The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-stars Game.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.banner

How about this.... The nursery rhyme Ring Around the Rosey is a rhyme about the plague. Infected people with the plague would get red circular sores ("Ring around the rosey..."), these sores would smell very badly and common folks would put flowers on their bodies somewhere (inconspicuously), so that it would cover the smell of the sores ("...a pocket full of posies..."), People who died from the plague would be burned so as to reduce the possible spread of the disease ("...ashes, ashes, we all fall down).


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