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Jokes, Humor & Amazing Facts
Gathered Fresh from the Internet. For the whole family - but still very Funny
 

Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

 

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in medical offices on everything from tissues, to clocks, to pens, to exam table cover paper.

Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....



Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Have you noticed since everyone has a cam recorder these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird
and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these terrorists --- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I say we should put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!

Car trouble

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total isolation. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again.

Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine and feel despondent. As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he called out.

There were two horses, a white one and a black one, standing in the fenced field alongside the road. The man was amazed when the white horse repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know much about cars."

What a difference a century makes

The year is 1903, one hundred and one years ago.... Here are the U. S. statistics:

The average life expectancy was 47.

Only 14% of homes had a BATHTUB.

Only 8% of homes had a TELEPHONE. A three-minute call from Denver to
New York City cost $11.

There were only 8,000 CARS and only 144 miles of paved ROADS. The
maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California
was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.

The average wage was $0.22/hour. The average worker made between $200-$400/year. A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000/year, dentist $2,500/year, a veterinarian between $1,500-$4,000/year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000/year.

More than 95% of all BIRTHS took place at HOME.

90% of all physicians had NO COLLEGE education. Instead, they attended
medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the
government as "substandard."

Sugar cost $0.04/pound. Eggs were $0.14/dozen. Coffee cost $0.15/pound.

Most women only washed their HAIR once a month and used BORAX or EGG
YOLKS for shampoo.

The five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia & influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii
and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet. The population of Las Vegas,
Nevada was 30.

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There were no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten adults couldn't read or write. Only 6% of all Americans had
graduated from HIGH SCHOOL.

Coca Cola contained cocaine. Marijuana, heroin and morphine were all
available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one
pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind,
regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian
of health."

18% of households had at least one full-time SERVANT or domestic.

There were only about 230 reported MURDERS in the entire country.

Elsewhere:
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

Canada passed a law prohibiting POOR people from entering the country
for any reason.


No Joke!

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