Jokes and Misc. Humor

jokes and one liners

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to
skid in sideways -beer in one hand - chocolate in the other
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO, What a Ride"

A Mother's Worst Nightmare.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made
and everything picked up. Then she saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed
"Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the
letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom, It is with great regret and
sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend
because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding
real passion with John and he is so nice - even with all his piercings and
tattoos. But it's not only the passion mom, I'm pregnant and John said that we
will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now
one of my dreams too. John taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt
anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends
in order to make a nice little living for ourselves. In the meantime, we'll pray
that science will find a cure for AIDS so John can get better; he sure
deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to
take care of myself. Some day I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can
get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith

PS : Mom, none of
the above is true. I'm over at Jessica's house. I just wanted to
remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card
that's in my desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to
come home.

The key to good barbecuing is having a sauce that can cover up your mistakes.
Erma Bombeck

Why ARE Men Happier?

Men are just happier people because, if you are a man:
Your last name stays put.
Your garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white
T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress=$5000. Tux rental=$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes of one color are good for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in just 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!!!

Let's see if I understand how the world works lately..

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at
work, he blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of
lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving
home drunk, he blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you
blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame
the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and
tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the
passengers kill him instead, the mother of the
deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as
it is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in
front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates... okay?

"OLD" IS WHEN... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.. You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.


More coming someday -- maybe?

jokes, humor, fun, family, jokes fun for families

Why eat live food?

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