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One Liners
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Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, then kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

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Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice
...every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.

Do witches run spell checkers?

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

<-------- The information went data way -------->

Access denied--nah nani na nah nah!

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

All computers wait at the same speed.

Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at em?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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