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When climbing the ladder of success, don't let boys look up your skirt!
My job is secure. No one else wants it.
My computer doesn't understand me.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles!
I'd rather be driving a golf ball.
Only the wise can dance the rhythm of life.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Sarcastic remarks to get you through
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
A woman's favorite position is CEO.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
I plead contemporary insanity.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Even more one liners
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
Conclusion: the place where you got tired of thinking.
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Don't judge a book by its movie.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Bad spellers of the world untie.
Friction is a drag.
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A clear conscience is merely the result of bad memory.
I'm in shape. Round's a shape, isn't it?
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking
about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get
older Then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why are they called "hemorrhoids". They should be called "asteroids"?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Oneliners Page 4
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